You can order your own, personalized medieval astrology natal chart analysis from me, Bryn Kelly, for the low low price of $45. They run about five double-spaced pages, and include both hilarious liner notes about your personal astrological chart -- holiday hits such as:

But if Saturn be posited with Mars, or in the mid-heaven, it denotes great evill, and many misfortunes; somtimes accusations, somtimes imprisonment, somtimes losse, great sentences pronounced against him, or he is cast unto wild-beasts; cast down headlong, destroyed by domestick treachery, killed by theeves, or perish|eth by shipwrack ... but if the Sun be in opposition, to him or with him or in any Angle of the geniture, he signifies the native to be burned alive, and afflicts him with lamentable miseries; before the last day of his life, he shall suffer hurt by fire, iron, violence, torments or homicides.

...Coupled with my own analysis and insights in to what this means for your larger personality and destiny, in plain contemporary English. 

Here is an example of a full natal chart reading. 

In the interest of time, this offer is open to only eight readings in total, guaranteed delivered to your email inbox by Christmas morning. 

Ready to order? Ok, let's do it!

Most people like to receive pleasant holiday gifts for being nice, or maybe for being "naughty." (Ugh.)

This is not that gift. 

Early modern (medieval) astrology was not at all like how we conceptualize astrology today. A resurgence in what can roughly be called "New Age" astrology occurred around similar developments in both the social and occult worlds. As industrialization, urbanization, cosmopolitanism, modernism, psychoanalysis, post-structuralism and liberationist movements flourished, so did Christian Science, spiritualism, Jungianism, mass-produced planchette boards, Gardnerian Wicca, tarot decks for every conceivable interest, and of course, the daily horoscope.

Most horoscopes are meant to make you learn something deep or personal about yourself, to help you navigate interpersonal (and especially romantic) relationships, and to make you feel more in-tune with the cosmos. 

Medieval horoscopes were not like that. 

Before the rise of industry, people were concerned with much more primal things: will I be rich or poor? What will be my station in life? What temptations and vices am I most inclined toward? Am I a good person? Will I be healthy? Will I marry, and will I have children? Will my spouse or child die? Will I live long? How will I die?

This is the season of hope. But let's be real, it's also the season of gloom. 

In 1655, John Gadbury of London translated a much older book, the Esoptron Astrologikon, a Venetian text dating from the late 15th century. It is a remarkably thorough system for looking at natal astrology -- your birth chart -- and wringing every last bit of hope and happiness out of it. 

Not to worry though -- there is a silver lining. 

Graveyard humor is still humorous. 

By looking at what some crusty ye olde prognosticators tell you about your (mis)fortune, you get a fresh take on your personality -- your strengths, your weaknesses, your foibles, and, if you wish, a wild (but textually sound!) guess at your own demise. It's an interesting mash-up, and it's more fun than it sounds, trust me. 

Don't believe me? Take a look at this five-page example.